Gerry Anango Deeley, Ed.D. (00:12):
Hello, and welcome to season three of Our Parallel Paths, A Future For My Loved One With A Disability... and For Me! I'm your host, Gerry, Dr. Geralyn Arango Deeley. And this podcast is about just what the title says: the parallel paths of family members -- certainly parents, sometimes siblings as parents age or pass on -- and their loved ones with intellectual disabilities. I'm a parent myself, and I always have questions. Our Parallel Paths is about nurturing and supporting our adult family members with an intellectual disability, and nurturing and supporting ourselves as our role of family member evolves alongside them. There's more than one path, more than one future to talk about, and that's why we're here. Some remarkable people share their stories on Our Parallel Paths, and I really hope their stories and wisdom resonate with you and give you ideas and hope for your path.

(01:12):
So it's just me today with something to talk about that I hope will be of help to you in your journey, and that is writing, or journaling. I'll use those terms interchangeably as a way to work through the challenges of your path. Writing really helps me when I need it. I have challenges on my path, and I should probably do more writing even when I don't need it. When I pull what I'm thinking about out of my head and I put it into some form of written word, whether handwritten or typing it in, it feels like I can kind of see those things more clearly. I'm stepping away and leaning in at the same time (laughs). I'm expressing, reflecting, hopefully understanding things a little better.

(02:04):
So as I'm talking to you, it's early February. The holidays are over, little updates, and they were really nice. I hope your holidays were, too. Uh, my oven died for Thanksgiving, but it was really special that, um, my Courtney and her family, my Nic, and two out of three of my husband, Michael's, children were at the table, or you know, technically lined up at the microwave. We celebrate Christmas in our family. And with Nic living in the condo, and my daughter just having moved and her little family, including my granddaughter, Vivvy, still living out of boxes, there was a little extra decorating to do. It was pretty surprising to see that after over 30 years of decorating, I had enough ornaments, two Christmas trees -- fake Christmas trees, but, you know, there were lots of years of Fraser firs -- 12 strings of lights or so, and four wreaths to decorate my house, Nic's condo, and to pop a wreath on Courtney's front door. I think my decorations mutate in the boxes in the basement, and then I still go buy more because, "Ooh, that's cute." Whatever.

(03:11):
Holidays are expensive. I, I try to be a good common law employer, good CLE, to my staff, and that's an expensive endeavor, 'cause I buy gift cards for all seven members of Nic's team, plus the cleaning lady; love my cleaning lady. My husband, Michael's birthday is four days after Christmas. And I don't want him to feel like one of those people who get the combo gift, "Happy birthday, merry Christmas. I got you this," that May babies like me don't ever get, you know? I said I would buy Michael his laptop, which reminds me I owe Michael money for the laptop since I would not dare pick out technology for an IT guy.

(03:51):
And finally, um, no young adult, and between Michael and me, we have five young adults, really wants much of anything but money at the holidays. So thank heaven we could have some fun buying our granddaughter, Vivvy, some stuff, and of course watching her open the stuff, 'cause the toy world, it seems to get really great when you're three. And of course, you know, holidays, there were things to do, people to visit, all that holiday stuff you're supposed to do, all that joy you're supposed to feel, all those crowded stores when you promised yourself, myself, that you'd shop early this year. And, uh, for me, getting the semester grades in on time, putting in all the time sheets, and writing the quarterly progress notes for all you common law employer listeners, you know what I mean. My point, and I do have one, is that the holiday... Well, the holidays kind of, kind of whip me up a bit. But we all know that holidays can get anybody a bit whipped up, or a lot whipped up. And especially those of us who are caregivers, there are more layers. Or maybe, maybe it wasn't so much the holidays as that I had just been a bit whipped up for a while, and the pressure of the holidays kind of brought it into sharp focus.

(05:09):
It, fortunately, you know, didn't have much to do with all the money flying out the door. I am blessed to have it to give, or at least to have it to charge on my American Express. I don't know, but I was definitely feeling s- wrapped a little too tight over some situations and relationships. And ooh, I was just ruminating on them, you know, old wounds, stressors that really aren't going anywhere fast, family stuff, my ongoing struggles with trying to be a good manager of the staff, all those skills. And I guess, you know, all of us perhaps have some of that holiday-triggered stress, but, ugh, I was running it, like, on repeat in my head, and I just hated the sound of it. I mean, I learned not to listen to it when I woke up at 3:00 AM. -- the only thing that was about was going to pee, um, you know -- 'cause everything is worse in, what I always think of as, the theater of the night. All those problems get bigger.

(06:06):
But this particular show, all this ruminating, it was like a matinee of that. So I felt like I needed to get out of there and slip into some kind of mental lobby where they sell Raisinetes and popcorn, and people feel happier. My lobby has always been writing, journaling. Like I say, I'll use those terms interchangeably. Writing has been an escape for me, a place to put my thoughts so that I actually could spill them all over the floor, and then step away from them and look at them at the same time, and not even have to clean them up.

(06:41):
Journaling has been part of my life in one form or another forever. I mean, when I was a tween, I had those little diaries with locks and tiny keys where I wrote about what I did with my best friend, and who I had some unrequited crush on. And then I'd start it up again, keeping a journal in my early 20s with nice fat, marble composition books. And actually, my, my personal favorite, accountant ledgers, because they were big, and I had many big things to think about in young adulthood, including what to do with my life, where to do it, challenging roommates, unrequited loves again, and a lighter love that turned into marriage and Courtney and Nic.

(07:27):
I picked up my pen again here and there, like my combination journal and Nic hospitalization record, which I hope I never find in a pile. But it was around 2011 that I got intense with the writing because it was a lot going on in my life, and I felt like I had to spill, spill it all over the floor. My daughter and my son were growing up, teens and tweens, and Nic was having problems with behavior at home and at school. My friend, Jim, got into a car accident, and he sustained a traumatic brain injury. And then my mother was battling with dementia. My mother, Nola, had this dementia depression thing going on and starting, and, and really scaring us. And s- our family started struggling in ways we simply had no clue what to do with.

(08:23):
My husband, Al, and Courtney, and Nic and I visited Nola and my dad every week, and my sister and my brother, as well. We kind of cycles through. And we made sure that Nola and my dad were okay in their house, that they were safe. Um, and once a week after work, I would visit Jim, my friend who had the accident. A person I didn't even expect to ever see again, and then all of a sudden I found him again, and this is what had happened to him. He was in a nursing home at 59, and the traumatic brain injury really messed with his frontal lobe, and shot his short-term memory. And just, it was awful. So I would do that after work.

(09:07):
And so when I came home, between that and my mom and the daily Nic stuff, I would get on my computer, and I would write, and I would type, and type, and type, and type. And just, just for the sake of it, you know? But as I read back and as I looked back at what I had written over time, I started to see these areas of overlap, this, this ways that I showed up for, for Jim, my friend, Jim, who was now in a wheelchair and whose short-term memory really did cause some personality changes that challenged the friendship; and my Nic challenged by his disability, and learning issues, and communication issues, and puberty, how he was struggling; and my mom, Nola. Like, all these overlaps, it made me start thinking, too, about how to be there for her, because her struggle was causing her to slip farther away from us, and she had always been the rock. So it was writing that helped me to express all these feelings that I couldn't drop on any of them, Nic, Nola, or Jim, couldn't drop on my husband. He had his issues, as well. You know, my Courtney and the ups and downs of being a teenager, and, you know, not to drop it too hard on family and friends.

(10:26):
Um, so I kind of thought of writing as, like, the first screening for this show. The screening being a Microsoft Word document. What was crazy, though, what happened to that document. The document became a memoir, and it was published in 2014 and was called What Would Nola Do: What My Mother Taught Me About Showing Up, Being Present, and the Art of Caregiving. It was a story of the intersection of Nic's, Jim's and Nola's lives, and their struggles, and their gifts, and what being with them taught me as well as how what I learned from one could help me better understand and support the other. Yeah, you know, uh, and, and to kind of keep looking back and thinking about it, and growing as a person I guess, too.

(11:24):
Turning a journal into a memoir needs thousands of words whittled way down to, you know, what became a story out of all that written venting. That's not really the norm, of course. You know, I was so lucky to have had the opportunity to work through my feelings through my writing. And to, you know, have the opportunity to answer an ad, and have an editor craft those words into a story. But that's what journaling, writing, is at its base. Journaling is a story. It's my story. It's, you know, your story. Writing is a way to vent, a way to step away and see things for what they are in the moment, and it's all yours. You can't write wrong. You can't journal wrong. Writing can be a way to move life along, to reflect, to validate your feelings by simply letting them out privately with a pen, with a keyboard, your choice.

(12:27):
Anyway, I want to tell you that I think that if you are not already, you ought to try journaling, writing. Those of us on The Parallel Path often have just that much more to think about because as part of everything else, we have to advocate for a family member with an intellectual disability, and that's another layer that many don't have to think about, although, you know, there're different kinds of layers out there if you're not a family member and just listening. But we also have to take care of our own physical, our mental, our emotional health. That's a lot. You know, it can bring up a lot of emotions. I know it does for me, and that's why, I, I, it was so important to me to share this with you, because I think writing can help. And I wonder how can I convince you, how can I, (laughs), get you on the page.

(13:16):
So I looked around. I read an article from the University of Rochester Medical Center, and it was called Journaling for Emotional Wellness. And, you know, it encouraged me to write, to keep writing, to journal. And one of the ways to deal with overwhelming emotions, they say, and I know for me, that emotion is sometimes frustration, sadness, and what I think of as worry is the dead-end emotion because it doesn't really get me to anything. Anyway, is to find healthy ways to express those overwhelming emotions. And so journaling can be a really helpful tool for our mental health, because we can sort of on paper, or whatever, prioritize problems, prioritize the fears, prioritize the concerns. And sometimes you start to notice, I know I do, notice patterns over time so that you can recognize those triggers, kind of say, "Oh, that's me. This is gonna bug me," you know, and learn better ways to manager ourselves, to control ourselves in those situations.

(14:22):
One of the things I did the other day -- you know, this after-Christmas writing especially -- I made a list of triggers from that holiday writing. And it has helped me be more aware of them, and it also helped me to come up with some, you know, first-string ideas, first-run ideas to address each one. And some of them, actually most of them really helped. I identified the trigger, and I thought, "What am I gonna do about that?" And I did something different. I came up with, like, little tiny plans and ways to do it differently. And for me, for me, they, the theme that ran through them was it's not you, it's me, because I, I realized that in all these situations, the only person I really could change was me. Sounds obvious, but it, I had to see it, you know? I identified some thoughts and behaviors in myself that were not working, and I tried some new ones. Maybe I should, like, next journal entry should be an, "Atta girl," you know? Maybe, I don't know.

(15:24):
So anyway, writing is a good tool to add to all the other tools that you're using, I'm sure you are for your healthy life to manage your stress and anxiety, and you know what else, just to express the good and the no-so-good, as a way to continue along the path you're on with your loved one with a disability, and everything else you've got going on. And I'll say to you again, there is no wrong way to journal, but there are some great suggestions out there to help you get started and keep going on your journey to greater understanding and healing and even transformation by writing, 'cause we got a lot going on.

(16:03):
One more pitch for journaling. I found in something called the dayoneapp.com, sidebar, sidebar, it seems that these folks have an app that you can use to journal. So let me add app to your pen and your keyboard, my pen, my keyboard. Day One listed a whole bunch of reasons to journal. So if I haven't already convinced you to at least try, consider writing as you're traveling on the path, think about any or all of these benefits to writing in a journal, whichever kind you choose, compliments of Day One. Some of my favorites here, they have a lot, and so isn't that great that there are so many great reasons to at least give it a try and kind of search out your personal favorite way to do it.

(16:52):
Because among the benefits are emotional expression. This is a safe space. Journaling's a private space. And you can get those pent-up emotions out, and no one has to see it.

(17:09):
Another benefit, stress reduction, because it can help you gain clarity and perspective on those situations that challenge you. And self-reflection because regular journaling encourages self-reflection. I find that as I... There's so much to looking back at what you write, because you can gain a better understanding of yourself, 'cause you're seeing themes, you're seeing things over and over again. And it can also... I mean, not even just, not even bad things. It's thinking about values and hopes. All those things pop up, you know?

(17:51):
Another benefit of writing, problem solving, because you can analyze the problems on your paper or your keyboard or your app, um, and come up with potential solutions. You can brainstorm in your own little, little world of journaling.

(18:08):
Journaling also can increase your creativity, because you can write freely and without judgment. And the ideas can come pouring out or trickling out, but they can come out. And you may find something creative in there. Journaling's about personal growth. I hope to find, don't always find it, but I sometimes find it, moments of being able to read and see how far I have come, and things that, "Oh, you know what, I'm gonna keep going." Little self-improvement thing.

(18:46):
Another reason that Day One cites is goal setting because if you look back at the goals, and you have to sort of state them, too. Maybe that's a beginning of the year thing, or, you know, it's my birthday, I'm gonna state some goals, whatever, and go back to them. I think there's so much value in the fact that journaling allows us to go back. Our memories are flawed, and to that end, our memories are flawed, and we can enhance our memories with our journaling 'cause the experiences and the events and the emotions and the details, they tend to get forgotten. And journaling can help you preserve those memories. Nice.

(19:28):
There's a couple more reasons that they cite, and I want to just give you some of my favorites. Um, enhancing your communication skills. Who knew, because you know what, if I can write it, I may say it better when the time comes. Finally, the last couple ones, catharsis and healing. Yeah, we've been sort of saying that all along, that this is another outlet for processing emotions and maybe moving towards accepting what happened or putting some closure on things, and saying, "You know what, I'm going to have to move on. And I, I put it here, and now I don't have to keep it, you know, churning around in my head."

(20:15):
Time management and organization are also benefits of journaling. And here's the kind of neat part. I have two journals going quite honestly. I have a journal on my laptop because I type really fast. Um, and that one kind of is for my s- the spill, for my spilling. And I have another one. I keep a, still have a nice, big, fat marble composition book that I use to both kind of log what's going on as well as to, you know, draw. I can't draw so easily on my keyboard, but I have my marble composition book to help me to sort of draw things, make arrows, make graphic organizers. Um, it helps me set priorities, it helps me remember things, and keeps me organized somewhat. Yeah.

(21:06):
That part... And I always tell my students that, too, is that... Um, I see... I used to see students sitting on their laptops, and then the occasional student with a notebook. And through the years, there were more and more keyboards, and fewer and fewer notebooks. And I said, "You know what, the research tells us that writing, literally handwriting, is a great way to retain the information, and almost a stronger way to retain the information." So, like, you know, don't feel like if you can't use a laptop, you can't do it. It's like, you can totally do it. You can totally journal, and you can draw, and press hard. You can't press hard on a keyboard.

(21:45):
So anyway, and finally, the last one. The last benefit that is noted here... Nope, not true. Tracking patterns. Sorry about that. Journaling allows you to track patterns, you know, and that's where, again, you pull out that, "Oh, every time that happens, this is what I do." And that self-awareness can help you with the negative and the positive, you know? But it can help you see.

(22:12):
I should laugh when I'm saying to you that I forgot one. The last benefit of writing is to reduce rumination. That's the word I used at the very beginning of this podcast, now, didn't I, um, because I'm a ruminator. And rumination, the act of obsessively thinking about negativity and negative experiences, 'cause we do have a negativity bias. That's another thing the research tell us. Um, those of us who have, uh, evaluations of things we do, you can have 1,000 positives, and one person goes, "Eh," and that's the one you focus on, 'cause we have a negativity bias. So people like me who are ruminators and negativity bias, um, journaling can really help to reduce that, as well, because when you write about the concerns, you can express them. And again, you're spilling them out, and there they are. And so this one, I think this last benefit was, had my name on it.

(23:11):
But anyway, uh, this episode, I hope, has built a case for why, if I might be so bold. I want you to consider writing, journaling, as a tool to help you on your parallel path so much so that in our next episode, we're gonna dig deeper into the how of using writing, journaling, whatever, ideas, some ideas, some strategies, some suggestions for how to get started in journaling, maybe how to deepen your experience if you are already writing, because again, there is no wrong way to journal. It's your journal, but there are some elements that you might want to consider incorporating into what I think as a wonderful, potentially transformative tool. And I can't wait 'til next episode to share what I'm learning with you. I hope you'll come back.

(24:07):
So thank you so much, listeners, for spending time with us today on today's episode on Our Parallel Paths. I hope you'll like our podcast and follow our podcast. I hope you'll share it with family and friends, and I really hope you'll return to listen and learn for more stories of people like you and me. And for next episode, a bit more about the how of writing and journaling as a tool for your parallel path. And remember, you're not alone. We're on this parallel path, and I'll see you next time.