Gerry Anango Deeley, Ed.D. (00:12):
Hello and welcome to season three of Our Parallel Paths, A Future for My Loved One with a Disability and For Me. I'm your host, Gerry, Dr. Geralyn Arango Deeley. Parent, professor, podcaster. And this podcast is about just what the title says. The parallel paths of family members, certainly parents, sometimes siblings as parents age or pass on, and their loved ones with intellectual disabilities.

(00:39):
I'm a parent myself and I always have questions. Our Parallel Paths is about nurturing and supporting our adult family members with an intellectual disability and nurturing and supporting ourselves as our role of family member evolves alongside them. There's more than one path, more than one future to talk about, and that's why we're here.

(01:03):
Some remarkable people share their stories on Our Parallel Paths, and I really hope their stories and wisdom resonate with you and give you ideas and hope for your path. So this is the second episode of a two-parter in part one, the last episode of the podcast, I talked about journaling. About writing as a way to help us to better understand life and to better understand ourselves as we travel the parallel path with our loved one with an intellectual disability.

(01:36):
In general, I wanted to share how helpful journaling can be. Certainly from my own experience writing throughout my life. I shared some of the many reasons there are to journal. And I pulled some of my personal favorite reasons and some reasons from Kristen Webb Wright of day one. Now, I believe journaling has lots of benefits. Just to quickly recap from part one, writing a journal can provide a really helpful outlet for emotional expression, for reducing stress, and gaining perspective. For reflecting on your hopes and your values and your aspirations.

(02:20):
You can analyze what you write and become better at problem-solving. Letting your ideas flow, you may tap into creativity and creative ideas and solutions that you didn't even know you had in you. Tracking your thoughts and writing, you can see the progress that you're making. Progress that you are making on goals you've set and help stay motivated to keep going.

(02:46):
I just read yesterday that people who journal their goals are 42% more likely to achieve them. I kind of like that. I also love that I can preserve memories and experiences that I might otherwise forget. And I can feel happier and more grateful for them every time I look back. We can become better verbal communicators through what we write. I'm gonna share something.

(03:15):
For example, me, I am not good at reacting to comments that make me uncomfortable in the moment. I squirm, I say nothing. I answer questions I should roll my eyes at. I, I just struggle. And then later on. I wish I'd said whatever, something or done something, but I do nothing. So since that was kind of an ongoing thing I needed to think about, I began to write about it. I put my feelings about this problem into words and go figure, doing that helped me to generate, I'm embarrassed to say, generate my little arsenal of comebacks to remarks and comments that I wanted to learn to address somehow.

(04:08):
So it gave me the chance to practice the, the moment where I was like, "Wait, no, no, no," and have a response. A kind response, but a response that was representing how I felt. And so, that was a really quite cathartic healing experience that I got through my own writing. I'll always struggle maybe, but I gave myself a big help. And finally, journaling can help us to manage our time and stay organized. It can help us to see the patterns in our behavior and our thoughts and our emotions.

(04:46):
So like me just now, you can think about the need to make changes. And finally, one more me example. I know that spilling my thoughts outta my head into words on a laptop or in a notebook, it helps me to stop the ruminating. And they literally said that in the, the, uh, list from day one. Um, ruminating, they use that word. And I am a ruminator. I do it way too often and way too well or maybe I do it badly, I don't know. But journaling can help you to stop ruminating.

(05:21):
So journaling is not a destination though. It is a process 'cause writing regularly is a habit that you need to build. Honestly, I'm still building a reliable, consistent pattern of journaling myself 'cause to me, that's my goal and, and my ideal. But building the habit of journaling is a journey. Lots of journeys there. Journey and journeys aren't always clear, straight paths, you know? That has to be okay, I think.

(05:53):
There aren't any strict rules for journaling because, hey, it's your journal. But I do wanna share some ideas from making, writing a helpful tool for making sense of our world. So I can't resist. I did some homework on this, kind of reading out there in search of themes and reasons and suggestions that I saw pop up more than once or twice in what I was reading about journaling, and that I really felt resonated with my journaling experience as well.

(06:23):
If you're already writing, I hope the ideas I'm going to share are validating to the journey that you are on now. And, you know, perhaps you'll pick up a few new ideas to enrich your practice. If you have not been writing and you're thinking now like, "Hmm, maybe I'll give it a try," to journaling. I hope you will. I hope these ideas and suggestions will encourage you to give writing a try even if you don't think of yourself as a quote-unquote 'writer' because you really don't have to be a writer.

(06:58):
That word's kind of loaded, eh, you know? It's your journal, and there's more than one way to journal. I found the ideas from Kristen Webb Wright on day one from Dee at Vanilla Papers. Elizabeth Perry at Better Up, a little bit from the Wise and Wonderful writer. The University of Rochester Medical Center, go figure, and a word or two laced in here and there from Christie DePaul of the Harvard Business Review on habits and routines. And they are, by the way, two words that do not mean the same thing.

(07:32):
So let's go. First, think about why you want to keep a journal. Do you wanna log what happens in your day, just a regular old day? Do you wanna ponder a relationship or some event? Do you wanna express gratitude regularly? Something else? Maybe some combination of these or other things. So think about why you'd wanna keep a journal at all.

(08:10):
Then start looking around for some type of journal that you're comfortable using. You may even have to buy a few. There are tons of journals out there and you don't even have to use something that says it's a journal. Some of them literally say journal on them, but I still love my marble composition books now, especially now that they come in different colors. And I do use a Google Doc that I share with no one.

(08:41):
Next, try to write as close to every day as you can. Some of the things I read said, "Write every day." And I thought, "I'm gonna try to write every day and keep building more days of writing into my week." Set aside a few minutes every day, that you can, to write. Committing yourself to some kind of regular journaling will help you to write more frequently and to get more into that habit.

(09:12):
So think about times of day that might work for you and try the different times. See what lends itself to helping you turn the routine into a habit, writing as just part of your day. Fourth, start small. There's no set number of words that make your writing legit. The number of words can vary day to day. A sentence, an expletive. (laughs) Um, and they can help, that can help you to build that writing habit or drawing habit or typing habit something, something.

(09:55):
Um, and now you can say to yourself, "I wrote in my journal today." Fifth, make journaling easy for yourself. Keep a pen and paper around so that when you wanna write down your thoughts, you can. Even if it's notes to sort of say, "Oh, I want to talk, I want to write about this later." You can keep a journal on your smartphone even, you know? There are apps for this now. You can keep a journal in your bag or your purse or your backpack.

(10:29):
And when I say write, think about finding or mixing up techniques that work for you. As I said, I write in both a marble composition book and on my laptop. I type much faster than I write, which sometimes helps with some types of entries, you know? But at other times I feel like I need to draw something or write, write, write a word or two, and just press hard. (laughs) Sometimes that slowness of handwriting, the pressure that I put on the pen, the f- even the choice of the pen, the feel of the paper. They can all make the journaling experience feel different and maybe meet a different need for what you wanna write about today.

(11:20):
You may find your own reasons for choosing pen over tech or tech over pen, even based on what you're writing about or where you're writing. You know, you probably won't have your laptop in the national park. A sixth suggestion is to write or draw whatever feels right. Writing freely. Your journal doesn't need to follow any certain structure. You don't even have to write complete sentences. Your journal is your own private place to discuss and create whatever you want to express. So let the words and the ideas just flow out.

(12:02):
Um, and also take note, if you are a person using a laptop, do not be like me. Resist the temptation to edit yesterday's entry. Do not, okay? Yesterday's entry, Geralyn is how I was feeling, Geralyn, or what I understood yesterday. So no editing, Geralyn, (laughs) just because you can. Don't worry about spelling mistakes. Or what, "Oh, what would somebody think if they were gonna read this?" Because no one is supposed to be looking. (laughs)

(12:34):
And as Anne Lamott said about those people, "You own everything that happened to you. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." Let your journal be as personal and messy as you want. No one is looking unless you let them look. And on that note, it's your journal. Again, use your journal as you see fit. You don't have to share your journal with anyone. If you do want to share some of your thoughts with trusted friends, with loved ones, whatever, you can certainly show them parts of your journal.

(13:12):
You can even perhaps join a group where that's one of the things that people do, that they share their journal entries. Those groups are out there. I don't, can't say I know much about that. I don't share my journal with anyone, but it doesn't mean you can't. Sharing with a group in some way might even make you more accountable to trying to write regularly.

(13:35):
So maybe that's a good thing. Little, little story here. When I used to supervise student teachers, they had to keep a journal, which we reviewed. It was a po- an important part of the experience for them in their, in their formation. But what we supervisors noticed though, was that there were different kinds of students. There were, journaling did not come naturally to each and every one of them.

(14:01):
Some students would write joyfully pages and pages and just explain lots of detail, the whole bit. Lovely. Others would ask, "How many words do I have to write?" So to answer the needs of both, we had different kinds of journaling options. So if writing doesn't come easily to you, like some of the students, explore writing prompts. We offered writing prompts to our students and journaling templates so that those who did not feel comfortable just writing had a structure.

(14:38):
And you can buy or find them freebies online. They're out there, okay? You can use a guided journal, and I think I have one knocking around that I used years ago. Like, then that one was about gratitude. So they have all kinds of guided journals too, to help you to kind of flesh out your thoughts. Um, whatever, whatever gets you into the habit.

(15:02):
And finally, be patient with yourself. If you've tried to journal before, think about what stopped you from journaling back then, and if you can remove some of those barriers now, or if things have changed. Maybe you started, maybe you bought the journal, maybe you thought about it, went through all of it, but you couldn't follow through.

(15:26):
You decided, you know, "I'm gonna journal when I wake up in the morning," but mornings turned out to be too crazy. So maybe now try before bed. You, you picked out that perfect notebook, that perfect journal, but you found it slowed you down. Try your laptop. Routines like journaling they require effort initially to just get into the, the, the routine as it were.

(15:51):
And it may be hard to keep it up enough that it goes right into that habit, you know? Habits being things like, you know, "Every day I brush my teeth and every day I have my coffee. And I would feel weird skipping it." You know, making, writing a habit to that extent is a goal for me, and I'm still working toward it.

(16:10):
Keeping a journal is great. It helps you to create order when your world feels like it's in chaos. And it can help you to maintain order when it's not in chaos. You get to know yourself by revealing your most private fears, thoughts, and feelings to no one but yourself. As Anne Lamott says, "Writing motivates you to look closely at life as it lurches by and tramps around."

(16:36):
I kinda like that imagery. So look at your writing time. As a personal relaxation time, and if you're like me, on the parallel path, you know personal relaxation time can be hard one. But writing time is a time when you can de-stress and wind down from the challenges of the day, even if it's just for a few minutes. Try to find a place that's relaxing and soothing. Maybe bring your favorite beverage, a little cup of cocoa.

(17:09):
And don't worry about how long your entry is 'cause hey, if you have an entry you wrote. As you build your journaling into a habit, I hope you start to look forward to your journaling time. And let's celebrate. Let's all celebrate that we're doing something good for our minds and our spirits when we write, because we have a lot going on. And one last quote from Anne Lamott, "Writing has so much to give. So much to teach. So many surprises."

(17:43):
Well, listeners, thank you once again for spending time on today's episode with me as we travel on Our Parallel Paths. I hope you'll like and follow our podcast. Share the podcast with family, friends, colleagues, with your team. And I really hope you'll return to listen and learn from more stories, wisdom, and perspectives of people like you and me and our loved one with a disability on Our Parallel Paths. I hope that as you listen, you'll see that you're not alone on this path. Take care and I'll see you next time.